Misogyny has clouded the definition for centuries. What is gossip, and is it actually a pretty powerful tool for women?
We’ll share almost everything, lipstick, jackets, books, even feelings. As the kettle boils or the wine is poured, we sit on mismatched chairs around the kitchen table. No problem too small, no feeling too big or scary.
Wherever the conversation may lead us to, we’re here to pick it apart, to discuss, to listen. To process things that went wrong, to reflect on experiences that shouldn’t have happened. To finally have a place where we don’t have to bite our tongues.
We’ll share everything, and through trust lessen the burden of another. A lifeline that I’m not sure I could live without – my core friendships with other women.
Women’s voices have been belittled, demonised and written off as bitchy, childish behaviour. Our conversations have been put into the box of ‘gossip’. To which patriarchal structures use it as a way to silence women.
We gossip on street corners, in bedrooms, in smoking areas, and even in direct messages on Instagram. Never mind the location, it’s the safety of being amongst women you trust.
For decades and decades, women have been silenced, shunned and rarely ever believed; gossip, when used positively, has proven its power to change this.
Rooted in feminism, belittled by misogyny
The act of gossiping has been around basically forever, at least since prehistoric times. It was once used as a means of survival, learning who to trust in society.
Gossiping has no one definition, it is used to describe conversations about situations and other people, but its definition, socially, changes all the time. It is most predominantly viewed as a negative but has the patriarchy fuelled this view?
When talking to some women about this topic, some view it negatively. Some say they ‘mostly assume it means talking negatively about people rather than a situation.’ and that ‘‘gossip’ has become a blanket term used to describe all women’s conversations as trivial and meaningless.’ Which has been driven by the patriarchy.
Whereas, other women feel differently, telling me ‘some people don’t understand how powerful gossip is’ adding how ‘prevalent it is and how it keeps society moving’. Showing us that everyone has their own, personal definition.
But not all these conversations can be diminished to a negative connotation. Sometimes, so-called ‘gossiping’ changes the way things are done, the way we see things.
Sometimes, It’s about being given a voice and holding the ladder for each other. Nurturing feelings and becoming part of something. Being able to say, I feel the same way!
Whereas, society will probably just diminish every conversation a woman has to pointless, and just silly girl chat, to backstabbing, to jealousy.
Fast forward to the modern day, and the word itself has been tainted with negative connotations as a way to yet again, persecute and dismiss women, a word ‘brought down by men who are threatened by women who speak.’
Think about the last time someone described a man’s conversation as gossip, it’s just not a word we use when talking about men, it’s always been rooted amongst women. Throughout history, it has even been a cause for the punishment of women.
When discussing the history of gossip with one woman, Tilly, she brought up “those ball gags they used to put on women” because gossip “was too powerful”.
In the late 1500s, a punishment was devised for women whose speech was deemed unacceptable, especially in the lower class. To stop women from supposedly nagging, or scolding, in other words, women saying things that society didn’t want them to vocalise.
The punishment served as a humiliation tactic, an iron mask, with a plate placed upon their tongue usually with spikes – taking away their ability to speak or risking piercing their tongue.
They were then paraded around town to humiliate and belittle. Cruelty disguised as a punishment called the Scold’s bridle, also known as the gossip’s bridle. An archaic example of silencing women.
It’s safe to say, that women gossiping has always been tried to be controlled by patriarchal societies.
However, we’ve carried on, created safe places for women, and encouraged each other to speak up and change lives, despite all the dismissal faced.
Which, some would argue is not ‘gossip’ but a conversation to “let off steam, anxieties and worries” to “offer support” which is “definitely a key part of female friendships”.
Why do women need gossip?
Not only does gossip feel like a weight off your back, but it is also proven to benefit your mental health. Sharing with friends releases serotonin and oxytocin as you form a stronger emotional connection with someone.
A problem shared is a problem halved and can make you feel supported and cared for in a world that is so determined to knock women down. Female friendships as a woman are “100% vital”, with women telling me “there’s nothing more valuable than getting a woman’s opinion.”
But another reason women need that space for positive gossip is because of epistemic injustice. One aspect of this is the idea that someone doesn’t have access to certain knowledge – hermeneutical injustice. This kind of injustice can affect all sorts of people and can be applied to all forms of discrimination, for example, race, gender, and sexuality.
But in terms of women’s epistemic injustice, it comes down to those experiences you can’t quite understand why made you feel so uncomfortable. We as women haven’t been given the knowledge to understand what is happening to us, because knowledge has been so centered around men.
A great example of this would be sexual harassment. For a long time, there was no such thing as sexual harassment – of course, it was an action but there was no recognised word for it, due to women being left out of so much development in the world. It became a wider talking point as women were talking about it to other women.
It could be said that because of what society may call ‘gossip’ sexual harassment was recognised for what it was and laws were put in place to protect women against it. Women talking to others about experiences they had dealt with – in the workplace.
What good has come from gossip?
I think it’s interesting how we only ever talk negatively about gossip, we only ever see it as talking behind people’s backs, a hurtful action. But there has been so much good that has come from the more positive acts of it.
Movements have been made and voices have been raised. Without our close circles encouraging us feminism itself would have struggled. But more specifically movements such as #metoo would not have come about without women talking to women.
The #metoo hashtag was inspired by activist Tarana Burke, who coined the phrase and set up a movement for women coming forward about sexual harassment, assault or even just sexism – in power dynamics, e.g., in the workplace. It catapulted in 2017, with celebrities coming out about several different men/companies, one of them being Harvey Weinstein, using the hashtag in tweets and going viral, a virtual representation of ‘gossip’.
I’m not talking about people bitching about what plastic surgery someone may or may not have, of course, that has nothing but a negative effect. But I’m talking about the more positive gossip, rallying together and not against.
Misogyny tends to group both things together, when in fact they are completely separate things.
A more recent example could be women speaking out on sexual harassment claims from TV presenter, Gregg Wallace. Without support from other women, we are not believed, we are not heard, we are not listened to, whether that’s online or in person.
So really feminism has benefitted from gossip in more ways than you might realise. It’s been the founding of laws, research projects, and ideas.
We find ourselves in girls’ toilets sharing perfumes and crying over exes, to complete strangers. We form a community with feelings and experiences and find strength in each other.
To some women, this may not be recognised as gossip. And I guess that’s the thing – the word itself has barely been defined.
We know it’s about talking about experiences or another person but where is the line drawn? It can be used to hurt people but in an opposite way also to lift people. Like a lot of things, it just depends on how you use it.
I think people are reluctant to call these productive types of conversations ‘gossip’ because of the negative associations that simmer around the word. And due to the definitions forever changing but mostly negative, people tend to steer away from it.
We as women have to take so much thought into how we present ourselves to the world, and so many steps to make sure we’re being taken seriously, so could using a word with such negative connotations be risky? Could it be ‘reinforcing patriarchal stereotypes’, or can it be reclaimed?
Intersectionality
It is of course, important to note differences between different demographics and to discuss my privilege as a white woman as to how I may benefit from gossip and the fact it looks different for every single person.
Intersectionality is something that definitely needs to be looked at when talking about ‘gossip’, as it might not offer that same safe space to other groups of women as it does to me through my privileges.
When talking about offering safe spaces to women Tilly shares with me that it does “100% as a white woman” adding, “but I do understand as well there might be black women or trans women who have narrower circles or who would not want a white circle of women” and that she does understand her “privilege in saying yes to that”.
We just can’t group women as one whole without looking into our differences, our race, our sexuality, our bodies, everything really. The one thing we all have in common is living under a patriarchal microscope, so we can relate a lot of stuff too.
But it is important to take that into account as one person’s experience might not be fully understood by another, so it doesn’t offer the same security.
For example, an able-bodied woman can’t relate to the difficulties a disabled woman has, so they might not feel safe or secure enough to share experiences, or for being part of a minority – may not feel they will even be heard or listened to, fearing of judgement.
This is in no way to say they shouldn’t share these experiences with other women – that’s the whole thing, gossip teaches and educates people, Tilly states that “every day there’s something you learn through gossip and manifesting your truth and what you’ve gone through, and that’s a crucial part of life.”
Bringing more empathy overall, but it needs to be understood as to why it doesn’t always happen with that much ease.
It requires so much bravery to speak up about issues or experiences that different minorities face; it should be encouraged and respected whilst also recognising the difficulty of opening up.
Could there be so much more to gossip about than what we think? Could there be so much good through sharing and education, and is it a pillar of our society? I think so, I think it offers so much to womanhood and everyone included in that!
Can feminism use a word manipulated by misogyny to a new advantage, bringing women together and taking up space?
Featured images courtesy of Daisy Crann.