It’s as simple as ‘no means no’ when it comes to safe sex. So why has the UK recorded 69,184 rapes between 2023 and 2024?
In a male-dominated society, overrun with the Andrew Tates and Donald Trumps of the world, it is sadly no surprise that the pushing of a so-called ‘rape culture’ is largely ignored and misunderstood. What is not so understood, clearly, is consent.
To be a woman is to have heard these stories before: “make sure that skirt isn’t too short, you wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea”; “don’t act too promiscuous, but be friendly, and don’t be rude”; “if you’re worried about being spiked, don’t ever leave your drink unattended, but also watch it be poured, because after all you can never be too careful”; “if you’re catcalled on public transport, report it, but don’t expect too much as we know these cases are hard to investigate.”
In short, to be a woman is to exist as a double standard; a scapegoat, if you will, for the often egotistical decisions made by men.
The term, ‘rape culture’ has become more prevalent in recent years, following a surge in high-profile media cases from Harvey Weinstein to P Diddy, showing a dangerous threat of rape and sexual assault becoming the new ‘normal’, as well as placing an unreasonable burden on girls to change their behaviour to avoid falling victim to sexual violence.
It is hard to follow the news today, without reading a story involving women and violence. Looking at the case that is gripping media headlines currently for example; Gisèle Pélicot and the span of sexual abuse she has endured.
Dominique Pélicot was found guilty of drugging and raping his now ex-wife Gisèle, as well as inviting more than 50 men over to their home to have sex with her whilst she was unconscious. For crimes that lasted nearly a decade, it was not until 2020 that French law enforcement discovered video footage of said assaults, under a USB folder titled ‘abuse’.
Gisèle Pélicot has been praised as ‘an icon’ after fighting for the indecent footage to be shown in open court. Mme Pélicot’s lawyer Stéphane Babonneau explained it was because “women must fight all the time, even as victims of rape, they have to fight for their rights. This is why [Gisèle] wanted to fight back.
“It is not for us to have shame; it is for them,” she says to the herds of reporters, pushing the narrative that “shame changes sides”. Too often, women are left carrying this burden following cases of rape and sexual assault. Now, Gisèle has paved the way for knowing they are not alone.
The French media have dubbed the case ‘Mr Everyman’, reflecting the ‘ordinary’ identities of the more than 50 co-defendants, with professions ranging from a councillor, a nurse and a prison warden to a soldier, a truck driver and a journalist.
The fear for us women is accepting that an abuser is less likely to be the man you meet in a car park at night, but the ‘normal’ guy you sit next to on the train, or worse, a man that lives amongst your family and friends.
Statistics published by the Home Office show that six in seven rapes in the UK are carried out by someone they know, and half are carried out by their partner or ex-partner, proving that danger is often much closer to home than one would think.
“We have to progress on rape culture in society; people should learn the definition of rape,” Pélicot said, after hearing wives and girlfriends say that the accused did not seem capable.
As the grim details of the case have been laid bare, it has prompted criticism of France’s laws around rape and consent. Perhaps, this is something the UK should also be thinking about.
A large part of the problem, when we talk about ‘rape culture’ and sexual abuse, is recognising what constitutes sexual abuse in the first place, and this comes down to one thing: a clear understanding of consent, or lack of it.
RAINN are the ‘Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network’ and they define the term ‘consent’ as “an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity.
“I was left feeling used and disgusted with myself. I had convinced myself that if I had not have gone back with him, he would not have got the wrong idea, and this would have never happened. Now I know it is not my fault at all.”
Charlotte
Whilst it is important to know what consent is, we also must talk about what it isn’t. In a generation of extreme social media usage, signing your life away to Tinder and seeking out your next situationship, it’s no wonder that it is often misunderstood.
As RAINN emphasise: “consenting to one activity one time, does not mean someone gives consent for other activities, or for the same activity on other occasions.
“You can withdraw consent at any time if you feel uncomfortable. Withdrawing consent can sometimes be challenging or difficult to do verbally, so non-verbal cues can also be used to convey this.”
Consent is arguably a root cause in many instances of sexual violence. As violence against women and girls (VAWG) activist/ sex and wellness coach, Millie Shields explains: “I don’t think the whole idea of consent is understood; it’s not taught enough. So, men just think going to someone’s room, giving someone the impression, or being promiscuous with a man, that that is consent, but it is not. It is so far from what consent actually is.
“The UK especially is rooted in misogyny and the patriarchy is horrific, so that obviously plays a part in it, but I do think that men’s lack of accountability, the misogyny and lack of education around consent is a massive thing.”
Statistics collected by Childwise show that only a third of students aged 11-17 said they learnt about consent in schools in 2022. This lack of education, particularly for ages that are most impressionable, is a significant obstacle in moving towards safe sexual relationships later down the line.
Kate Parker, founder of the Schools Consent Project, a charity helping to educate children in schools explains, “teaching consent is vital because education is the only lasting means of prevention.”
“By starting with young people, we have the opportunity to shape mindsets early, empowering them with the knowledge and tools to make informed decisions about their own bodies and relationships,” which ultimately provides tools needed to later recognize and challenge inappropriate behaviour further down the line.
Behaviours towards sex and sexual relationships today show a general lack of understanding surrounding consent across the younger generation.
“Misconceptions are common, and there’s also uncertainty about how to handle situations where someone doesn’t say “no” outright but may seem hesitant or uncomfortable,” Parker says.
Safe sex educational programmes are not only vital in preventing sexual violence, but they also enable women and girls to recognise their own experiences of abuse, leading to increased reporting and calling out inappropriate behaviour.
It can be difficult for girls to recognise when they have been victims of sexual assault, making the process all the more traumatic to work through.
Following her TikTok series The Only Way Out Is Through, Shields spoke about how it has provided a source of support for women and “helped [and] even brought to light what had happened to them in the past that they didn’t want to admit to themselves that that had happened.
“One thing I find with a lot of women is that if something has happened to them, they are unsure whether to report it.”
Statistics collected from the Office of National Statistics (ONS) show that five in every six women who are raped do not report it to the police and 83% of sexual assaults go unreported. So no, often, women do not report it.
According to the ONS, 40% of women said they never reported the abuse due to embarrassment, 38% said that they did not believe that the police could help, and 34% said they felt humiliated.
Furthermore, the #WhyIDidntReport hashtag on ‘X’ (formerly Twitter) reveals that in many cases of trauma, it is also common for women to not recognise the incident as an act of violence, worry that they are to blame for what happened or are afraid that if they do not report, they will not be believed.
Unfortunately, the figures are only in support of this narrative. Of the total number of rapes recorded in 2024, fewer than three in 100 resulted in someone being charged, let alone convicted. Trust in the police has fallen dramatically, and rightfully so given that at the end of last year, 1,100 police officers were under investigation for sexual misconduct or domestic violence.
Many would agree that social media is ruling the world, though not always in such a positive way. The toxicity that stems often fuels the idea of ‘rape culture’.
Charlotte*, who shares her own experiences of feeling uncomfortable withholding consent explains: “I had been on a first date with a guy who insisted on me going back to his house after we had eaten. Reluctantly I agreed but made it clear that if I did nothing would happen between as I just wasn’t ready.
“He began to try it on with me, to which I said no. In the morning, he tried again, to which I also said no. However, this time, he kept touching me to where I felt uncomfortable, and after about an hour of persuasion, I eventually gave in.
“After that day I never heard from him again.”
“Consent is about communication — and it should happen every time.”
RAINN
“I was left feeling used and disgusted with myself. I had convinced myself that if I had not have gone back with him, he would not have got the wrong idea, and this would have never happened. Now I know it is not my fault at all.”
Cultural attitudes are largely responsible for this concept of self-blaming, which is one of the most common responses to sexual trauma. In many cases, women will be left believing that they “led them on”, “I should have” or “I should not have.” The reality is they should not have, which in a society rooted in misogyny becomes less clear.
Shields believes that the CEOs of social media platforms need to clamp down on the things that men are saying and the language they are using that demeans women.
“Some things are opinion, but some things are just outright misogynistic, and I think heads of social media really need to be on top of that because that just spreads like wildfire. As soon as someone thinks that that it is acceptable to say on social media, others catch on,” she says.
It is no surprise that with figures like Andrew Tate having such a presence in the public sphere, it is having an impact on Gen-Z. Parker argues that Tate, and men like him generally, have “significantly impacted how young men perceive themselves, relationships and gender dynamics, [promoting] a distorted view of masculinity that can lead to the normalisation of disrespectful behaviour.
“Moreover, this type of narrative contributes to a broader gender disparity, where harmful stereotypes about women as objects continue to shape the way women and relationships are viewed,” Parker added.
It is common for boys to persist with the ‘joke’, a ‘joke’ that is wearing thin, that asking for consent kills the mood.
However, the bottom line is that good sexual relationships start with good communication. Without it, we are only left with the encouragement of what we can only hope to abolish: “rape culture”.
* Name has been changed to protect the identity of the interviewee.
Featured image courtesy of Angela Christofilou.