With the final season of Cheaters airing on BBC One, we speak to some women that have experience of infidelity.
The latest series of the popular BBC comedy Cheaters follows two couples as they navigate cheating on their respective partners in a fun, lighthearted way that isn’t common when traversing this subject.
The 15-minute-long episodes detail what it is like to cheat on your partner (with your neighbour) and the focus is on doing what feels right for the individual, but maybe not so much what it does to the couple as a unit.
The show particularly focuses on the women cheating, and instead of chastising their actions for indulging in their affairs, it offers a sort of sympathy and understanding as the two women leads figure out how they truly feel in their love lives and marriages and how lust makes things a little complicated.
It is rare to see cheating treated in this way in the media and it is perhaps even rarer to find real life examples of women who cheat and are willing to be open about it.
Most people are unsurprisingly reluctant to talk openly about being unfaithful but a 2023 article in the Evening Standard, Catriona Ines states “Since 1990, the number of women who admit to cheating has risen by 40%, according to researcher Esther Perel. In 2022, according to website The Truth About Deception, 67% of men and 53% of women had cheated at least once that year.”
Globally, however, men still rank first when it comes to cheating, with roughly 20% of them admitting to sleeping with other people while married and 13% of women admitting the same, according to a survey by McCooper Law.
In spite of the statistics, societally infidelity is still looked harshly upon, for obvious reasons, but it leaves those who have a unique perspective on something that is so taboo yet so widespread in the dark or shames them if they were to share their stories.
In the case of women, the scrutiny is doubled. To explore this further and to provide a platform for people to share their experiences and to gauge their perspectives, we asked a couple of long-term cheaters to talk honestly and openly about the hows and whys of being unfaithful.
“If he can do it, then why can’t I?”
Our first story follows 21-year-old economics student, Emma, who currently lives in Manchester for university. She originally hails from a small country in the Caribbean. She holds an opinion on cheating that may differ from the norm, as we see through her interview.
| “My first memory of cheating was in year seven. I had a boyfriend from primary and we were still together when I went to secondary but I had a whole other boyfriend in high school as well. I just didn’t care, from then I felt like monogamy applies to everyone else but me, men have to be loyal to me but I don’t have to loyal be to them. More recently, I was in a long-distance relationship. I met him in the summer (in my hometown) before i was supposed to move abroad for university. He supported me a lot emotionally before the move and I enjoyed speaking to him every day, making us close. When I came back home for the summer the following year, we both felt we were ready to be in a relationship despite the distance. I had to come to the UK for my second year but this time I was more comfortable being abroad. I was going out more, I was seeing more things, I was interacting with different people and I started seeing being his partner as more of a chore than emotional support and I felt that I couldn’t take him seriously. The respect was gone. That’s when I started cheating on him. I feel like cheating for me comes from a lack of respect. The less I respect you the more I’m going to be outside, if you don’t have me LOCKED down and scared then you’re not doing it right. I need to be scared of you. My Dad was a big, big cheater and in my head, it runs in my DNA. It doesn’t, but it feels like if he can do it then why can’t I? I like doing it because it makes me feel like a man-eater. Also, if you grow up around that stuff, it feels like this is how relationships are supposed to be. I didn’t consciously know it was happening but kids are like sponges. For example, why do I remember wanting to look at my dad’s phone as a child? Where did that idea come from? The signs of a cheater would be someone who is too obsessive, always wanting to let you know how much they love you but to a point where it’s suspicious. It’s like you can’t have a regular conversation without them doting on you. Or the other end would be someone distant and avoidant. But I feel like because A MAN is stupid he’s going to be doing way too much to cover it up or he’s just going to be so clumsy that it will just show itself. You just have to give it time, female intuition is one hell of a thing! There’s this TikTok I saw where they’re like ‘When I’m going through his following and one profile starts glowing.’ It’s like that! Cheating finds me I don’t go out of my way to do it. If somebody that I find attractive happens to come my way, I’ll act on it. When I’m in a relationship, I’m not the type of girlfriend that’s like, ‘Don’t approach me don’t talk to me.’ If I’m attracted to you and you approach me and you’re looking good, you’re applying pressure, you seem like a decent person, you’re sexy and I’m trying to fuck? We’re gonna fuck! My pro tip for cheating would be to leave no trace. Where I’m from is quite small like everyone knows everyone which is scary, but that’s why I have my international babes. This guy one time came from Florida and he drove one and a half hours to see me. He slept over, left and then like six hours later my boyfriend came over. So I wash my hair, I wash my body, I change my sheets, I clean my house. There was not a trace. Another thing I do is if I go out and a guy approaches me, I’ll tell my boyfriend about it immediately to make him feel in control. I’ll also mention guys freely. I’ll talk about situations that he wouldn’t like so that he thinks that ‘okay well she wouldn’t be doing anything because she told me about this guy. She’s not gonna mock it’ Cheating with a man who’s got a girlfriend NEVER works out well. I feel like men will always tell her. They don’t know how to keep their mouth shut. Every time I’ve facilitated a cheater, the girl has found out and then they’ve both turned against me so that’s a hard no! I just don’t think men know how to cheat so I don’t want to be involved in it. Coming to a woman as a woman? Damn! Yeah definitely some shit I do but only if you piss me off enough. If I’m your side ting and you do me dirty, you don’t think I’m gonna play the victim to the girl and be like ‘I did not know! Damn, what happened? I’m so sorry! I didn’t know!’ then block the both of you and disappear. Blow up the spot and leave, no shame! I’ve done that one time. A girl tried to talk to my boyfriend, she had a man too so I called him and told him everything. I heard that she got kicked out of the house. Girl, I do not fucking care!” |
“How can you expect me to stop flirting?”
Lily is a 21-year-old London native studying business in Birmingham. She is in a healthy and happy relationship now but cheating used to be a big part of her life, as she reflects here.
| “I’ve just always been trifling, but my first cheating incident was when I was in year 10. I went on holiday to Atlanta and met a boy there. We spoke for the duration of my holiday and then we kept speaking when I came back to London. And we were talking for like, maybe two years. I guess you can say he was my boyfriend, he would definitely see it that way. But for me, I don’t know if I’d see it that way. There was this other boy, the boy I lost my V-card to, who was actually in London. So I’m thinking my so-called ‘boyfriend’ is miles away in a different country I need someone here, then I started dating the guy I lost my V-card to. I was still technically the Atlanta guy’s girlfriend and somehow both boys got in contact with each other and started piecing things together and figured out I was cheating. How? I don’t know, the universe just decided to screw me. Then they started talking shit about me, posting it on their stories. Saying stuff like she’s trifling, she’s a hoe, this, that. And I’m thinking, yo, why am I getting called out from two different countries? Come to think of it, my cousin from Atlanta was probably the mole and blew my cover. I’ve never brought it up to my cousin because it was so taboo. That situation didn’t put me off cheating. I low-key loved the thrill. I was like, you guys are fans, because why are you posting all about me? I loved every second of it. In essence, I got away with it. I mean, they got to post about me, but I didn’t care. Even though it was long distance and I was young I count that as my first instance of infidelity because technically he did ask me to be his girlfriend. I just wasn’t taking it seriously. He used to post about me on his Instagram, He even posted about me with a long-ass paragraph talking about our relationship and how he loved me. Well, before I cheated that is. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for just over two years. I’ve been faithful to him but I feel to go like 10 years without cheating I would have to be very mature. Also, what is counted as cheating? I could stay away from the physical stuff like kissing, touching, anything in that realm. Though the smaller stuff? That would be like getting off crack! How can you expect me to stop flirting?! See if I’m in the club and someone tries to dance with me, that’s tekky territory because now that’s touching. But if a man buys me a drink I think that’s calm. Stuff like that is inevitable when you’re a fine babe. I do think my current boyfriend would be able to be with me for 10 years and not cheat. He’s so strict and you can’t catch him out. He doesn’t even like being in close proximity with girls! When we started dating he got rid of all his female friends. I’m the only girl he hangs out with! He chose to do that though, I’m not that strict. That’s our main point of argument as we are very different in that regard. He thinks I should get rid of all my male friends too. When I cheated on my previous partners, I felt no remorse. Like I said, I liked the thrill. With my boyfriend now, I’d feel remorse. When I made friends with a group of boys this summer and things got flirty, I felt so guilty. I really shouldn’t because nothing happened, but I love my boyfriend so much that doing that made me feel bad. With my exes, I didn’t care, probably because I didn’t like them very much. It was never calculated when I’d cheat. I was just doing what I felt like in the moment. I had a boyfriend just before I started uni, before my current man. He asked me to be his girl knowing full well that I was going to a different city to live with people my age and I was going to be partying all the time. As much as that wasn’t calculated, he was setting himself up for failure there. I’m your girl, yes, but I will most definitely fall into temptation! I don’t know if cheating is a psychological issue because it’s so normalised. It feels like it’s bound to happen in most cases so I wouldn’t say it’s an issue. I think there is such a range of people in the world, there has to be a handful that don’t cheat at all. People that can’t fathom it. I would say my man is one of those people, but you never know truly. Also, there are so many people in the world and nowadays we have access to such a huge amount of people that hasn’t been seen before. It’s difficult NOT to cheat in any capacity. My boyfriend knows about my past. I made it very clear that I was not a good woman. I rather he knows straight up instead of him finding out like two years in and that causes trust issues. However, it definitely affects trust between us now because he knows what I’m capable of. I don’t think he’s ever fully comfortable, which is sad because I’d never do that to him. Because I’ve had a past, he gets nervous anytime I go out especially if I’m with my single friends. He underestimates the fact that I love him. I believe firmly that you can’t cheat on anyone you REALLY love and respect. So maybe that’s the secret recipe. People need to be with people that they actually love. If you love that person, you would not want to do them wrong.” |
Certain details of both stories have been changed to protect the anonymity of the parties involved.
Featured image courtesy of BBC Pictures.