Why do we have them, where do they come from, and is there such thing as too far when it comes to kinks?
WARNING: This article will discuss controversial themes in kinks e.g. consent, power and pain. If you’ve been negatively impacted by anything discussed in this article, helplines will be listed at the end.
I often find myself, usually in a drunken state, chatting and giggling like a schoolgirl with my friends as we discuss crazy sexual encounters on a very average Saturday night. Shamelessly shouting over the table to each other, stumbling on conversations of desire, as the distant ’80s music plays through the pub speaker.
Some so casually express their desire for aggression, with phrases like “I wanna be thrown about” popping up in conversation or “I just didn’t wanna rip their clothes off” when talking about that guy you never really liked but desperately tried to.
As the drinks start to flow and we get bored of talking about the tamer side of things, the conversations get even wilder. To sum it up, what one person enjoys may make another squirm.
I think it’s the openness of these conversations with my friends that brought me to an intrigue of all things kinks, desire and sex. Influencing me to find out more in a world of kinks and sexual fantasies.
A world filled with whips, chains and squirty cream where you usually just find everyday people like you and me.
Which begs the question of why it’s all still so taboo.
What is desire?
Firstly, what is desire? Well, if you have ever been crazily head over heels for someone, the concept of desire won’t seem too foreign to you. It’s the idea of wanting something so badly that you can physically feel it – as if you’re hungry for it.
In regards to sex, that’s exactly what it is; it’s almost as if your body is craving it. Many scientists and psychologists now believe that desire is, in fact, a bodily urge, more analogous to hunger or the blood’s need for oxygen.
Of course, it does not offer the same result as starving – don’t worry, you’re not going to die. But sometimes, stuck in a body of raging hormones, it really can feel like that.
Em Gay (@sexedbyem) is a sex educator who told us that “desire is rooted in both biology and psychology. Biologically, it’s regulated by hormones like testosterone, dopamine, and oxytocin, which play roles in mood, reward, and attachment.”
“Certain fantasies can be linked to early emotional experiences, even if those experiences weren’t explicitly sexual.”
Em Gay
Psychologically, it could also stem from “personal experiences” or even “societal influences”. Desire also differs due to all sorts of factors: “There are some studies that suggest that men or people with higher testosterone levels are more likely to experience spontaneous sexual desire, whereas women may find desire to be more contextual or responsive.”
This supports the idea that it is more than an emotion, we can’t regulate it the same way we often can with anger or sadness, it comes in all different shapes and sizes too.
The main thing to take away from this is that there is no room for judgment when talking about sexual desire as, in many ways, we can’t control what we desire because it is an emotional response that we all have just in different ways.
Where do our sexual fantasies come from?
It is a well-known talking point in society that our sexual fantasies are deep-rooted within our childhood but, what is a sexual fantasy and what’s the purpose of it? A sexual fantasy covers a variety of different things, but to get to the point, they are images or ideas in your mind that might put you in the mood.
For some, they are triggered by outside factors, for example, pornography or erotic literature. However, for others, it can be wholly created by themselves – through imagination and even memory – which makes the idea of them beginning in childhood not as far-fetched as you think it may be.
One analogy sums up how sexual fantasies stem from exterior experiences perfectly: “Just as we may associate grilled cheese sandwiches with positive childhood memories, certain fantasies can be linked to early emotional experiences, even if those experiences weren’t explicitly sexual,” Em explained, meaning they are personal and interchangeable for each individual.
Everyone has sexual fantasies, and there is no rhyme or reason to what they should be – for many, it could be a specific category of pornography – but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the type of sex they want to engage in, it is more complex than that.
In 2017 Pornhub released statistics exposing what the porn habits were in different countries. In the UK, the fourth top-searched porn category was “stepmom” porn, with “Milf” porn coming second.
This doesn’t always mean that these people are seeking out incestual sex, it could just mean there’s something about it that turns them on, maybe the forbidden nature surrounding it.
From tame to controversial
It is hard to define kinks, as they mean different things to different people. To one person introducing handcuffs in the bedroom is wildly adventurous whereas to another it is an average Tuesday night.
However, during my research, I learnt that there are different categories of kinks. Categories like pain, control and edge play, the list goes on and on and on.
On the tamer side of things, we have sexual roleplay and foot fetishes, then as you keep reading you meet kinks like CNC, blood kinks or vore. Even in a world of sexual liberation there still remains a lot of taboo about kinks, especially the more out-there ones.
It is the complexity of kinks that people don’t understand and therefore do not discuss, people are more likely to accept what is easier to understand. For example, Consensual non-consent, more commonly known as CNC is a largely controversial kink, with people branding it as predatory and alarming.
It is the idea of giving consent but then within sex acting as if it’s not consensual fitting into “rape play”. It’s important to note that the CNC community is growing in popularity, with websites like Reddit providing a space for people to talk about their own experiences and to understand their sexual preferences more.
When collecting my research, I asked some questions anonymously, one of those questions asked if there were any kinks or fetishes they disagreed with, and if so why? Some of the responses I got seemed to venture back to CNC with one person explaining that “it blurs the lines of consent for sexual practice as a whole and cannot be taken as one insular scenario because of the precedent it sets in someone’s brain.”
It is understandable how people can turn their nose up to kinks like this, especially as these types of kinks come with a certain amount of risk, and are easy to manipulate in order to take advantage of the people engaging in it.
It is necessary to ensure that when engaging in kinks of this nature we approach it from an angle of safety. Making sure everyone involved is verbally consenting, comfortable and safe with a mutual trust for each other.
One example of this could be through the use of safe words, which are words that indicate a need for an immediate stop, a need to slow down or check in during sexual activity. If these kinds of measures are not taken there is a risk of entering quite dangerous territory.
Before I started my research, if you had asked me about CNC as a kink I probably would have had the same reaction as most, but the more I learn and understand about sexual fantasies and preferences being biological and psychological the more I struggle to judge.
I guess I see it as, if both partners are enthusiastically consenting, safe and comfortable, who are we to judge what gets them off?
Why do we have kinks?
Now that we’ve discussed what kinks are and what sizes and shapes they come in, my biggest question when it comes to this topic is why? Why do we have kinks?
Is it down to nature, is there something innate within us that through sexual liberation has been revealed or is it mainly down to nurture, the society we grow up in, the accessibility of porn or the openness of conversation surrounding sex.
Em believes it to be a combination of the two: “On one level, kinks emerge as unique ways of exploring pleasure shaped by our environment, and on another, I believe our differing sexual interests are as inherent to us as our eye colour,” adding that “there is no one reason” as to why we enjoy or develop kinks as humans.
The most important thing to highlight is the way it makes people feel – kinks pleasure us in unusual ways. It might involve physical control, sensory deprivation, restraint, or pain, humiliation, being told off, or wanting to feel like a miniature person. All the kinds of things that might usually be deeply unpleasant but in kink can feel wonderful.
On Reddit, I asked anonymously about what kind of kinks people have and why. One user responded that “I like pain” and that they’ve “had control of all situations my whole life, despite going through a lot of trauma.” so to them “physical pain is actually pleasurable in the right moments”. Expressing that they “like being groped and stepped on”.
Since kinks are done in a sexual and intimate setting, usually with a partner you trust, Em argues that “It can be a safe way for people to feel very intense feelings and experiences.”
Drawing from my anonymous survey, I wanted to learn more about why different people are into different things. Why does one person enjoy being submissive while another enjoys being dominant?
People who stated they enjoyed submissive sex explained that “it’s nice to feel submissive during sex as it’s like an escape from my normal life where I have to be responsible for myself, I appreciate someone telling me what to do and just giving into that for a bit.”
Others emphasised that “putting the trust in someone to not cross the line of pain to abuse” makes sex almost more enjoyable.
Have we been desensitised to ‘vanilla sex’?
When talking about sex today, the term ‘vanilla’ sex is necessary to note, it is a metaphor for less adventurous sex whereas kinks in sex offer a little more flavour.
It’s the idea that partners may only be covering a couple of basic positions and mainly focusing on penetration. This in turn sometimes forgets about the pleasure aspect of sex, especially for women as we are less likely to orgasm from just penetrative sex.
In 2015, a US study revealed that only 18.4% of the women tested could reach climax from penetration alone. Is this type of sex so normalised because it predominantly pleasures men?
Em Gay enlightens me that the term ‘vanilla’ sex only really exists as sex is “deeply influenced by cultural shifts, media, and our access to information,” adding that “vanilla sex, in particular, has only recently become the ‘norm’ or standard when it comes to intimacy because of misogyny and puritanical beliefs.”
So, could the recent rise in kinky sex have been brought on by dissatisfaction, are people sick of anti-climactic experiences and searching for more?
Or is it the realisation that sex is so much more than just penetration? Em believes this to be true and that “people are beginning to realise that there is so much more to sex and connection.”
Women engaging in kinks
When discussing kinks, I believe it is vital to include women’s perspectives due to the fact the patriarchy has influenced sex for years and continues to.
In 2008, a Californian study uncovered that a majority, 69%, of women were sexually submissive, it also showed that it was more common for men to be sexually dominant, with 61% being mainly dominant in the bedroom.
Throughout history, we have seen the patriarchy try to control and restrict women’s bodies, especially when it comes to sex. Years of being taught to save ourselves for marriage, to focus on male pleasure, to moan to make them feel good, with teenagers reading up on top tips of how to be sexy.
So, when it comes to submissive kinks, it was only natural for me to question whether or not women truly enjoy these kinks, putting our pleasure and safety in the hands of another. Or is it a way to gain male validation or a way to stop men from getting bored?
Despite this being true in some cases, there are also many other reasons women engage in these kinks. It’s a way of them taking charge of their sexuality and can be really empowering if that’s what they’re into.
“Our differing sexual interests are as inherent to us as our eye colour.”
Em Gay
Em explains that “For some women, being submissive allows them to play into patterns that have circled around them their entire lives and enjoy submission in a safe and pleasurable way.”
However, she adds that “without the toxic structures of our society we would see more men enjoying submissive or degrading roles in the bedroom.”
On the opposite end of the spectrum, we have women engaging as the dominant party in sex. This seems to be on the rise, with the Western world’s growing sexual liberation and sex-positive feminism, more and more women are taking pleasure out of societal roles being reversed in the bedroom.
After years of being told to shrink ourselves for society, women are finding power in taking up more space when it comes to sex through the use of kinks and more specifically dominance.
Safety in kinks
Although it may seem boring, safety is crucial to discuss when talking about kinks, especially the more unusual side of them. When engaging in kinks with themes surrounding violence, consent and roughness, feeling safe and comfortable is the basis for enjoying these things.
I asked Em for her tips on how to stay safe when performing kinks in sex. She used the acronym RACK stating that when it comes to “staying safe while engaging in kinks, it’s essential to prioritise both safety and consent. Many kinksters are familiar with the acronym RACK, which stands for Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.”
“People are beginning to realise that there is so much more to sex and connection.”
Em Gay
Staying safe is all about understanding your kink, the complications that could arise from it and not only your boundaries but your sexual partner’s too.
Picking a non-sexy safeword together that indicates it is time to take a pause, to avoid feeling any discomfort. Even things like making sure we use protection and get tested frequently, are easy ways to prevent any health complications or unwanted pregnancies.
Simple actions like this go a long way! When engaging in kinky sex, there should be mutual trust and respect between you and other partners to avoid it turning sour.
Can it ever go too far?
If all appropriate measures are met there isn’t really such a thing as taking it too far when it comes to kinks. Whatever works for you and your partner is up to you as individuals.
Another acronym introduced by Em is ‘SSC’ which “asserts that any activity between consenting adults is acceptable as long as it is considered Safe, Sane, and Consensual by all parties involved.”
How and what turns you on is personal to you and whoever you are having sex with. Kinks are just a way to heighten pleasure in sex which is never a negative thing!
It is all personal preference, kinks differ from person to person and being into different things is not weird or crazy, even if it feels wild I can guarantee you’re not the only one. Exploring your body and what you enjoy is natural and should be encouraged.
The kink community is open and filled with everyday people, there’s nothing strange about it even if it is buried in taboo and shame. So, if you feel yourself itching to explore, why not go for it?
LINKS TO RESOURCES AND HELPLINES, UK:
Sexual assault – NHS (Sexual Health: Help after Rape & Sexual Assault), Helpline: Sexual Abuse Support UK.
Understanding your kink – Talk to Angel (Affirmative Therapy), Counselling Directory (Kink Aware Therapy)
Featured image by Deon Black via Pexels.